[Title screen]

When I was in high school I knew a somewhat strange guy named Karl. The thing that differentiated him from everyone else in school was his conservative views - and, like, when you walked down the hall and saw him you could just see that. During the Christmas holiday he wore a button that said "Happy Newt Year". Sometimes you just want to start stabbing him, right where he is, so you can feel confortable about using dirty words without worrying about him hearing it.

Anyway, I think this would be a good game for him.

The above title screen starts things off, with the little picture to the left ot the menu changing when you select a different game to play. There is also some really VERY plonky music here, and we are introduced to the mysterious character of Nina the Graphician.

There are three games, each of which has to do with some odd Biblical figure you've probably seen a long, badly-animated movie about if your cable company happens to carry EWTN.

Noah's Ark

In this game, you get to play the exciting part of Noah as he scurries around preparing for his epic trip. Like all of the games on the cart, this is a platformer that bears a very close resemblance to Super Mario Bros. 2; there's a life bar on the left side of the screen and you have to pick up objects to help you on your quest.

The first couple of levels involve Noah trying to collect two of every animal that either God or the little checklist you get when you hit Select tells you to do. Astoundingly, despite seemingly being an old man, Noah is amazingly strong; as you can see in the picture he can lift up a horse all by himself. You can see how impressed the pig is by this. As a matter of fact, Noah can carry four things at once, so he can conceivably carry two horses and two cows at the same time. Strength of faith, no doubt.

Of course, not all animals will just let you be picked up by them, so you have to hit some animals with whatever is handy before you can grab 'em. In the nonviolent nature of this game, your victim doesn't get hurt, but simply falls asleep. Ho hum.

Anyway, this sort of boringness goes on for six levels. In one level you have to collect food for the voyage, and you have a total of 49 things you have to go out, find, and bring back to the ark - it gets very boring very quickly. If it was really like this then Noah would've just forgotten about the whole thing and told God to sod off, I'm sure of it.

Baby Moses

I originally had no idea what this was about; thank God for the introductory text. It seems that the evil pharaoh is killing off all of the baby boys in the land, and you, playing the part of Moses' mother, must take him away to safety.

No one said anything about using your baby as a weapon, however. Your character holds the baby in a rather odd way (she hoists it right above her head, like the people in Super Mario Bros. 2 carry items), and can throw it around if you want to. You can even, if you wish, throw him into the river, but this sort of child abuse will result in putting the game into an unwinnable state. Anyway, for around ten levels' worth of boredom you run around the riverside, avoiding spiders, black spearmen and odd jumpy runny things, and in the end you eventually get Moses on a boat or something and he goes off and kills people and climbs up a mountain and becomes Charlton Heston and stuff.

David and Goliath

The final game in this sordidly mediocre cart stars you as David going up the ranks from silly shepherd to powerful slingslot sort of person. The first five or so levels of this game involves you taking all of your sheep to pasture and keeping them from being eaten by the squirrels, bears and lions all over the playfield. Again, David seems to posess superhuman strength; here he is carrying four of his flock at once (the sheep on the bottom can't be feeling very good right now).

The final level is different, since you now have a sling and can kill the minority-race guards. Your object is to traverse the mountain (and its falling rocks) and to get to the top to fight off Goliath. I was going to take a few screenshots of that section, but I finally got so bored of the game that I called the whole thing off.

My final thoughts on this cart? Well, it's not very good. :) Like most other Wisdom Tree games, the religious bits are sort of inconsequential to the game itself. Is this game trying to teach players about the wonders of God and beating up people? If so, then I'm not too sure how this would work; are kids supposed to ingest the weighty Bible quotes while throwing baby Moses around? Although Bible Adventures is bad enough to be entertaining, don't look to it as a replacement for your kids' religious upbringing (or something).

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